“Who has the bag makes every decision.” This was one of the sentiments during Coffee Bar Tuesdays. This week, we were dissecting on who makes the decision in a relationship. With the question being posed to the participants, the majority of the participants raised various points which determine who makes the decision in a relationship. Some of the points raised include: whoever has more money makes the decision in a relationship, a man should make the decision, a woman should make the decision, both the man and women should make the decision while others added whoever comes with the plan or the suggestion should be able to make the decision.

This conversation came at the right time where we have high cases of sexual and gender based violence which is as a result of power imbalance and gender inequality. By not understanding your relationship power dynamics, it’s very easy for you to be a victim of SGBV or have wrangles in your relationship. During the discussion, we were able to note that power is as a result of many things such as money, human resource, family background and also physical appearance.

With the discussion being able to understand power dynamics in  a relationship, it stood out that most young people believe that money runs the relationship. A participant quoted Thomas Sankara’s quote which stated that “the person who feeds you controls you”. A participant added that in majority of our houses, women make decisions out of the fact that the man of the house is not always there or doesn’t have money. We also took note of the fact that every couple has different needs, preferences and ways of working together with participants sharing that making decisions together gives you ownership of the relationship and decision made.

“As a man of the house, I am the one responsible to make decisions whether it favors me or not.” A participant added

How decisions are made in relationships are also influenced by where you grew up in, your family set up and also how you are socially constructed. In families where the father used to make decisions, chances are as a young man, you will always feel the entitlement of making all the decisions without involving the woman. If you came from a single mother family, chances are as a lady you will feel entitled in making the decision. How we are socially constructed also plays a critical role in who makes the decision. In an example given, in most communities, men are seen as the head of the family which gives him the power to make the decisions while in some women are allowed to make decisions concerning kitchen matters.

One participant emphasized the importance of leveraging each partner’s strengths and weaknesses in decision-making within a relationship. For instance, if one partner possesses relevant information regarding a purchase, they should be empowered to proceed with acquiring the product or service, while still considering the input of their significant other. In a good partnership, decisions are ideally distributed according to each partner’s expertise but regular check-ins are essential to ensure that decisions align with their shared vision and values.

As the discussion drew to a close, it was highlighted that when decisions within a relationship are made without the other partner’s contribution, it directly serves as a red flag. This underscores the importance of mutual consideration and consensus-building in decision-making processes to maintain the well-being and harmony of the relationship. When you stop consulting with each other on issues pertaining to your relationship, kindly note you are putting your relationship at stake. As a couple, it’s important to agree on how to make a decision about your relationship before committing. This will help in controlling power dynamics and also address gender inequality which at the end makes your relationship grow and make it stronger. Also, we all agreed that with the current state of economy, both of you should make sure that you are financially stable. See you on Tuesday!