Mtaa Buzz – Page 7 – Mukuru Youth Initiative

28Jun, 2023

What Makes A Relationship Work?

*Participant during Coffee bar Session.* Photo: Evans Jomo

Do you believe that relationships can work and endure? Is there always something that motivates and sustains relationships? These were the topics of discussion at this week’s coffee bar gathering, where we explored the elements that contribute to a successful and healthy relationship. While there is no definitive manual for making a relationship work, it is normal for relationships to experience ups and downs.

Our conversation began with an exploration of the meaning of relationships and the individuals involved. For the purpose of our discussion, we considered any type of relationship that involves two people seeking companionship. Long-lasting relationships are not merely a result of luck; they require significant effort from both partners. Our focus was to simplify the discussion around relationship health and stay on track. We discussed the signs that indicate a healthy relationship or the factors that contribute to a good relationship.

Participants shared various factors they believed to be crucial in maintaining a healthy relationship. Some of these factors were derived from personal experiences, while others were observations from different situations. Among the recurring signs mentioned were financial stability, effective communication, love, understanding, self-awareness, positive energy, sexual compatibility, personal growth, security, mutual respect, trust, establishment of relationship boundaries, sexual history, and emotional connection.

Communication emerged as one of the most frequently mentioned and impactful qualities that make a relationship work and remain healthy. The ability to freely discuss any topic with your partner without fear of judgment builds trust within the relationship. Lack of communication has been identified as a significant red flag in many relationships. It is essential not only to talk frequently but also to communicate effectively. Being able to openly discuss any subject without fear of judgment is vital.

“…….to ensure a relationship functions smoothly, there must be good, open, and clear communication between the two individuals.” One participant said

During the discussion, the conversation veered off track when the topic of sexual history came up. Is a person’s sexual history important in a relationship? Some participants felt that one should be cautious about a partner’s sexual history before entering into a relationship, while others believed that it should not be a concern. Some ladies present pointed out that this question is often used to demean women and is outdated.

“It is important to know your partner’s sexual history or body count as it can provide insight into their sexual experience and help you make informed decisions about your own sexual activity.” one participant said

Understanding both your own needs and the needs of others is instrumental in building better relationships. When entering into a relationship, each individual seeks to gain something. Understanding your desires within the relationship creates space for it to thrive while also respecting your partner’s boundaries.

Maintaining a healthy and functional relationship is important as it saves time, energy, and heartache. Learning to cultivate and sustain the qualities necessary for a healthy relationship is crucial. It is worth noting that some work relationships will be more challenging than others, but with thought, time, and effort, everything will work for you two. See you on Tuesday!

22Jun, 2023

How Can Self Presentation Affect Your Life?

*Participants during Coffee Bar Session.* Photo: Evans Jomo

Did you know that people judge or perceive you based on how you present yourself? Self-presentation, the intentional process of portraying oneself to others, is a fundamental aspect of human interaction. From the way we dress to the words we choose, our self-presentation sends signals to the world about who we are and what we value. But beyond mere appearances, self-presentation plays a profound role in shaping our lives and influencing the way others perceive and treat us. In this week’s session, we explored the intricate relationship between self-presentation and its profound impact on personal growth and well-being.

Our discussion focused on understanding how participants perceive each other. To begin the discussion, we selected a few individuals who felt comfortable receiving feedback regarding how others viewed them. There was a diverse range of views expressed about how the rest of the team is perceived by the participants. Based on the results of this exercise, it was apparent that the majority of views shared were unknown to the participants. Self presentation can affect your life both positively and negatively.

Self-presentation encompasses various dimensions that collectively construct an individual’s public image. These dimensions include physical appearance, verbal and non-verbal communication, behavior, social media presence, personal branding among others. Each aspect influences how others perceive and evaluate us, shaping both initial impressions and long-term perceptions.

First impressions are often formed rapidly, and they can have a lasting impact on our interactions and relationships. People tend to attribute positive qualities to individuals they find physically attractive or well put-together. While this bias may seem unfair, understanding its existence empowers individuals to leverage their self-presentation to create a favorable initial impression, which can open doors and opportunities. One participant said that how he dresses is usually influenced by occasions he’s attending.

. “…I don’t dress like a ghetto when I go to big events where I know I will meet people who are important and can have a positive impact in my life,” he said.

Self-presentation goes beyond physical appearance. It extends into our demeanor, body language, and communication skills. When individuals project confidence through their self-presentation, it can lead to an enhanced perception of their competence. This confidence/competence loop can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, as individuals who are perceived as competent are more likely to be given opportunities and responsibilities that further develop their skills and expertise.

“.. I was called after a job interview not because I was the most dressed up but simply for my confidence during the interview.” one participant said.

While projecting a positive self-image is important, authenticity remains a crucial factor. Attempting to present an exaggerated or false version of oneself can lead to negative consequences, such as strained relationships, emotional distress, and a loss of personal identity. Striking a balance between self-improvement and embracing one’s genuine self allows for a more fulfilling and sustainable approach to self-presentation.

The way others perceive and react to our self-presentation can significantly impact our self-esteem and self-worth. In today’s digitally connected world, social media platforms often become a stage for self-presentation. The pursuit of external validation through likes, comments, and followers can become a double-edged sword. It is important to cultivate a healthy sense of self-worth based on internal values and achievements, rather than relying solely on external validation.

Self-presentation affects not only how others perceive us but also how we perceive ourselves. When individuals actively engage in shaping their self-presentation to align with their aspirations and goals, it can foster personal growth and development. By consciously projecting qualities and behaviors that reflect their desired identity, individuals can build self-confidence, strengthen relationships, and attract opportunities that support their personal and professional advancement.

Self-presentation is a powerful tool that influences our lives on multiple levels. By understanding the impact of self-presentation and adopting an intentional approach, individuals can enhance their personal growth and well-being. Balancing authenticity and self-improvement, leveraging first impressions, and nurturing internal self-worth all contribute to a holistic self-presentation strategy. Ultimately, self-presentation becomes a catalyst for personal growth, empowering individuals to shape their own narratives and create a positive impact on the world around them. See you on Tuesday!

8Jun, 2023

Is There A Line Between Good Parenting And Toxic Parenting?

*Participants During Coffee Bar Tuesday.* Photo: Evans Jomo

Did you know that parenting styles can fall on a spectrum, and occasional lapses into toxic behavior do not necessarily define someone as a toxic parent. During this week’s #CoffeebarTuesday, we focused on understanding good parenting and toxic parenting. Consistent patterns of harmful behavior that negatively impact the child’s well-being and development should be addressed and modified to ensure a healthy and nurturing environment.

Parenting is a challenging yet rewarding journey that shapes the lives of children. While most parents strive to provide a nurturing and supportive environment, there exists a darker side known as toxic parenting. Toxic parenting encompasses behaviors and attitudes that harm a child’s emotional, psychological, and social well-being. Toxic parenting can manifest in various ways, often stemming from a combination of factors such as personal struggles, inadequate coping mechanisms, or learned behavior.

Reflecting on childhood experiences and the current experiences, how toxic were or are our parents? With ⅓ of our participants already parents, how can they be able to create a line between good parenting and toxic parenting? During the discussion, the majority of participants pointed out that there’s no line between the two. However, they were able to raise some of the common red flags that you should watch out on to know that you’re becoming a toxic parent.

Some of the common red flags of toxic parenting include:

Emotional Manipulation: Toxic parents usually employ guilt, shame, or constant criticism to control their children, often using emotional manipulation as a tool to assert power and dominance.

Neglect or Overindulgence: Both neglectful and overindulgent parenting can be harmful. Neglectful parents fail to meet their child’s basic needs, while overindulgent parents may excessively pamper or spoil their children, hindering their ability to develop self-discipline and resilience.

“…I have a friend whose parents have provided everything for him but freedom to choose what he should do for his career..” one participant shared.

Physical or Verbal Abuse: Toxic parents may resort to physical violence, harsh words, or derogatory language, leaving lasting scars on their children’s self-esteem and self-worth. Physical or verbal abuse has severe consequences on a child’s emotional and psychological well-being.

“…my father used to come home late and drunk and he would beat all of us including my mother..” a participant shared during the session.

Unrealistic Expectations: Placing unrealistic expectations on children can lead to chronic stress and anxiety. Toxic parents may project their unfulfilled dreams onto their children, pressuring them to achieve specific goals that may not align with their natural abilities or interests. Most participants shared how their parents always compared them with others peers placing unnecessary pressure on them.

“…. my parents used to beat me because i was position 3 and not position 1 as she expected…” a participant shared.

Some of the key points shared by participant between good parenting and toxic parenting include;

Unconditional love vs. conditional love: Good parenting involves showing unconditional love and support for the child, regardless of their successes or failures. Toxic parenting, on the other hand, may involve conditional love, where affection and acceptance are based on meeting certain expectations or criteria.

Healthy boundaries vs. excessive control: Good parenting establishes appropriate boundaries that allow children to develop autonomy and independence while ensuring their safety and well-being. Toxic parenting tends to exert excessive control, restrict freedom, and undermine the child’s ability to make choices and develop their own identity.

Open communication vs. lack of communication: Good parenting involves open and honest communication with the child, allowing them to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns without fear of judgment or reprisal. Toxic parenting may involve a lack of communication, dismissive attitudes, or emotional manipulation that discourages open dialogue.

Positive discipline vs. harsh punishment: Good parenting focuses on positive discipline methods that teach children responsibility, empathy, and problem-solving skills. Toxic parenting relies on harsh punishment, including physical or verbal abuse, shaming, or overly punitive measures that can be damaging to the child’s emotional and psychological well-being.

Encouragement of independence vs. excessive dependence: Good parenting encourages the child’s development of independence and self-reliance by gradually increasing responsibilities and providing guidance. Toxic parenting fosters excessive dependence, discouraging the child from exploring their abilities and inhibiting their growth and self-confidence.

Respect for the child’s individuality vs. unrealistic expectations: Good parenting respects and values the child’s individuality, acknowledging their unique strengths, weaknesses, and interests. Toxic parenting may impose unrealistic expectations, demand conformity, or project the parent’s unfulfilled ambitions onto the child.

Low Self-Esteem: Constant criticism and negative reinforcement erode a child’s self-esteem, leading to feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and a lack of self-worth.

Emotional Instability: Children raised in toxic environments often struggle with emotional regulation. They may experience heightened levels of anxiety, depression, or anger, impacting their overall mental well-being.

Poor Social Skills: Toxic parenting can hinder a child’s ability to form healthy relationships. They may struggle with trust, empathy, and communication, leading to difficulties in establishing meaningful connections with others.

Self-Doubt and Perfectionism: Toxic parenting can create a constant need for validation and perfectionism. Children may grow up feeling that their worth is contingent on meeting unrealistic expectations, perpetuating a cycle of self-doubt and fear of failure.

Breaking the Cycle: Recognizing and addressing toxic parenting is crucial to breaking the cycle and fostering a healthier parent-child relationship. Here are some steps to promote positive change.

Self-Reflection: Parents should reflect on their own upbringing, beliefs, and behaviors. Identifying patterns of toxic behavior allows for self-awareness and the opportunity to make positive changes.

Seek Support: Reach out to professionals such as therapists, counselors, or support groups who can provide guidance and tools for developing healthier parenting techniques.

Practice Emotional Intelligence: Cultivate emotional intelligence by actively listening, validating emotions, and practicing empathy. This helps create an environment where children feel safe expressing themselves.

Set Healthy Boundaries: There’s a need to establish clear and reasonable boundaries that respect both the child’s autonomy and their need for guidance and protection.

There’s no manual for parenting but that doesn’t mean that a child should be hurt, discriminated against or humiliated by the parents. The impact of toxic parenting can be far-reaching and long-lasting, affecting a child’s development and future relationships. As parents or incoming parents, we must ensure that we create spaces where children are able to realize their full potential and also safeguard and protect their well being. See you on Tuesday!

23May, 2023

Is Childhood Trauma Real?

Did you know that some of the things that are affecting you as an adult may be as a result of childhood trauma? Children are particularly vulnerable to the effects of trauma because their brain and emotional coping mechanisms are still developing. Traumatic experiences can disrupt a child’s sense of safety and security, leading to a wide range of emotional and behavioral difficulties that may cause long term effects even in their adulthood.

This week’s discussion focused on childhood trauma. What they are and how they are affecting our adulthood lives. The discussion was more of a group therapy where participants shared their traumatic experiences. Childhood trauma refers to an experience of an event by a child that is emotionally painful or distressful, which often results in lasting mental and physical effects. Traumatic events can include physical or sexual abuse, neglect, witnessing violence, natural disasters, accidents, sickness or the sudden loss of a loved one.

Our discussion started with a poll conducted by the moderator where he asked the participants to rate their childhood experience on a scale of 0 to 5 – 0 being the lowest and 5 being the highest. Most of the participants rated their childhood experience below 3 and only few participants rated theirs above 3. The majority of the participants were asked as to why they rated their childhood below 3. Some of the responses were traumatic experiences they went through while they were young.

Considering the sensitivity of the topic, participants courageously shared their childhood experiences and explained why they gave lower rates compared to others. Among the stories shared, poverty was a major factor in the majority of the stories shared. Among the stories shared, one participant shared that at the age of 10 he could tell the difference between a live bullet that has killed a person or has been shot and a rubber bullet that has been shot in the air.

”As a 12 year old, I could tell the difference between a bullet that has killed someone, a live bullet shot in the air and a rubber bullet. Until now it gives me fear to see a gun regardless of who is carrying it.” A participant said

Abuse of power also was one of the shared factors that caused trauma. At a young age, children are at more risk of being sexually abused by someone close to them. Since most of the perpetrators threaten these children, the stories are ever untold and continue to haunt children all through their lives. With participants sharing that seeing someone they know sexually assaulting a friend close to them has had a negative impact in their lives to a point he can’t sleep in the same room with a man – whether he knows him or not.

“I witnessed a respected member of the society molest 3 children that I knew just because they were poor and could not afford a roof over their heads. Since then I look at men with caution and cannot sleep in the same room with a man.” A participant shared.

Negligence and not being able to provide for your children is something that affects their lives negatively forcing them to engage in something that they shouldn’t. Some of the participants pointed out that at an early age they used to collect plastics and metal in order to sell and get a daily bread. This affected their lives and they had to take parental roles at an early age. Other participants shared how their parents provided them with materialistic goods but neglected their parental responsibilities which was the source of their trauma. They rarely had parental guidance while growing up.

“I had everything growing up but still ended up doing drugs and in a gang which led to the death of my 3 friends. I cannot tell what parents’ love and care feels like because they were never there for me.” A participant shared.

Engaging in crime or envying someone doing it caused child traumas among the participants. Growing up in a crime infested community led to many challenges that led the participants to either directly or indirectly get involved. This to many participants led to their trauma as they were either used in conducting these crimes or affected. Losing someone or someone being shot by engaging in crime is something that usually haunts participants since it has been normalized.

Growing up in a family that had violence is something that traumatizes you deeply affecting your current lives. Violence can be from a parent to child or between parents. One participant shared how his parents used to beat him up to a point he ran away from home. If you grew up in a family violence you always try to avoid being in the same situation. This can lead to you being hurt in different ways or endure a lot since you are protecting the other person.

It’s important to note that not all children exposed to trauma will develop long-term psychological difficulties. Protective factors such as a supportive family, strong social connections, and access to mental health services can help mitigate the effects of trauma and promote resilience. Your mental health should always be a priority in anything you do. If you feel there’s something that you experiences at tender age and its affecting you, its best you seek help.

Early intervention and appropriate treatment are crucial in helping children recover from trauma. Therapy approaches such as trauma-focused, cognitive-behavioral therapy and play therapy can be effective in addressing the emotional and behavioral consequences of trauma. Creating a safe and nurturing environment for the child is also essential in supporting their healing process. Protect your children from any traumatic experience or at least get them help. See you on Tuesday!

11May, 2023

Do You Have A Reason To Be In That Relationship?

*Participants during Coffee Bar Tuesday.* Photo: Alex Waweru

Did you know that the majority of people are in relationships for a variety of reasons, and each individual’s motivations are unique to them while some are just in relationships with no clear reasons. Relationships have now become something to boast about and a good number of the youths get into relationships without a reason but simply following a trend. This week’s Coffee Bar Tuesday, we asked the participants if they have any reason to be in a relationship and as usual we got different perspectives of why people are or not in a relationship.

A good number of participants also said they are single due to different reasons such as they are concentrating on something important, they haven’t had someone who meets what they are looking for, not ready for commitment, not in a position to take responsibility and others just love being single since it saves them from pillow talks. Some of the reasons why people are in a relationship include sex, companionship, someone to have a future with, someone to hold you and show you the way and others are in a relationship to have a family.

One of the participants said he was single because he wanted to focus on his career and build himself up because he wanted to break the cycle of poverty. Another participant pointed out that love is a scam and relationships are simply a waste of time. It was also noted that a lot of participants who were single, viewed relationships as expensive and a waste of time. One particular participant stated that being in a relationship sounds more like you’re under someone. Other participants thought that relationships are nagging and they wanted peace of mind even if it meant to stay single.

“ I like my freedom and I don’t like to be answerable to anyone. I don’t like being asked where I am, what am doing or whom I am with ” One Participant said

One particular participant commented on the topic of discussion and praised those who are single, pointing out that youths who come from marginalized communities such as slums should focus on their talents and careers. This is mainly because the majority of them depend on a supportive system for survival and thus cannot sustain a relationship. This was a heated discussion with another participant responding by saying that you might wait for the right time and still not make it in life and advised him to try.

It was also also pointed out that the majority of adults who are broke wasted money in relationships when they were youths instead of building themselves up. Those in relationships gave different reasons which included;

Emotional Connection: One of the primary reasons people are in relationships is to form a deep emotional connection with someone. Being in a relationship allows individuals to have someone to share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences with.
Companionship: Many people choose to be in relationships for companionship. Having someone to spend time with and do activities with can make life more enjoyable.
Love and Intimacy: Romantic relationships are often based on love and intimacy. Many people seek out relationships to find someone they can share physical and emotional intimacy with.
Support and Security: Being in a relationship can provide emotional and financial support, as well as a sense of security. People may seek out relationships to have someone they can rely on during difficult times.
Shared Goals and Values: When people are in relationships, they often share similar goals and values. This can help them work together to achieve their goals and live a fulfilling life together.

It was also pointed out that apart from money and sex, a lot of people can’t explain a solid reason why they got in a relationship. One participant said that she could provide for herself and therefore could not commit to someone.At the end, we all agreed that your mental health state should always come first in everything you do. No one should force you to be in a relationship if you are not ready, no one should tell you that being single is not okay. Always do something because you want to and not because you are being pressured by society or anyone. See you on Tuesday!

9May, 2023

Introduction to Project Management

Participants during the project planning. Photo: Julius Rasat

Lack of information and knowing where to go or who to ask are just among the many hindrances that interfere with community development and service delivery. Through the Sauti Za Mtaa programme, community champions, artists and Mukuru Youth Initiative staff should be able to understand different dynamics of the project, how they should escalate some issues among others. This will be made possible through capacity building. The team will be having a 4 day training where they shall cover project management, leadership and governance, devolution and political and civic education.

On 9/5/2022, the team went through a project management training which was held at MuYI Hub from 9am to 2pm facilitated by Wilson Masaka from Wilsenx Initiative. Project management and planning are critical components of any successful project. Proper planning and management can mean the difference between success and failure, as they ensure that the project is completed on time, within budget and meet the desired outcomes.

The Sauti Za Mtaa 2 Project which is under Wajibue Wetu, Jumuika Sikika programme supported by ForumCiv is a programme that aims to strengthen community structures and stakeholders’ engagement and promote community-driven efforts by right-holders to demand accountability from duty bearers through usage of different forms of art.

From this session, participants got a chance and opportunity to learn the importance of project management and planning in achieving successful outcomes from any project. During the session, key concepts of effective project management touched on planning, communication, execution, budgets, monitoring and evaluation and emphasized the need for project managers/officers to take comprehensive measures and approach that consider various factors. In addition, the session covered the use of project management tools to help streamline the process and automate certain tasks such as Gantt Chart.

“Many times we tend to think that CEOs, politicians, directors and project managers are the only people who should be doing project management. We are all project managers since its all about having a plan, how to execute it and at times budget and activities involved”

Wilson Masaka

By understanding these processes and applying the taught principles to our own projects, we can improve success on project implementation and deliver value to different stakeholders. Effective project management involves a comprehensive approach that takes into account various factors, including the project’s goals,resources, timelines, and risks.The plan should also include a budget,which identifies potential risks and mitigation strategies. It is a process that involves planning, organizing, executing and monitoring the project from start to finish. Proper planning enables the project managers to set realistic goals, identify resources required, estimate costs, and create a roadmap to follow.

*Adbi Ahmed Ali doing a presentation.* Photo: Julius Rasat

Participants were divided into two groups by the facilitator, and given a challenge to design, plan and present at the end of the session. The two groups came with different and amazing project plans and management strategies. One group focused on mental health while the other focused on peace initiative. Through the groups presentations , the facilitator was able to pinpoint some of the gaps that were left untouched such as having a target group for your project, avoiding redundancy in a project, understanding measurable outcomes, what percentage should go to admin cost and understanding when to have miscellaneous.

One of the participants also posed a question on how he can handle projects that don’t cater for some of the essential utilities such as rent. In answering, the facilitator pointed out that its good to have many other projects that cater different utilities so as to avoid being caught in the middle of not paying them.

“It’s always advisable to avoid having miscellaneous part in your project budget. Majority of partners point this as a way of embezzle money” Nelmo Munyiri

Effective communication is also a critical component of project management. The project manager should ensure that every stakeholder involved in the project is informed of the project’s implementation, progress, risks and timelines. Regular meetings and progress reports can help the stakeholders be informed, engaged in the project and contribute to the success of the project.

Project planning is not just about having a plan and budget, there must be an outlook of what you anticipate to achieve at the end. Many times this is overlooked since we only focus on the big picture leaving out the people who should benefit from the project. Always have a plan on how you will be able to measure the impact of the project. With our community champions coming from different community based organizations, the training will go a long way in making their different spaces stand out in project management.

3May, 2023

How Do You Get Through A Break Up?

*Participants during Coffee Bar Tuesday*. Photo: Julius Rasat

For the last weeks and months, we have seen or heard people killing and doing unspeakable things to their partners as a result of break up/divorce with the majority being young people. This week’s Coffee Bar Tuesday focused on different mechanisms that people use to cope with relationship break-ups/divorces without resulting to violence as we have seen in recent cases happening in Kenya and all over the world.

The topic came at the right time since it stirred different emotions and people really shared their personal experiences and how they dealt with the situation as best as they thought fit. With May being Mental Health Awareness Month, majority of discussions dont touch on how to handle breakups thus why needed to have the discussion. The discussion was meant to create a platform to share how we managed to overcome break up and through this, we can all learn or pick something.

From the discussion, more than half of the participants have gone through a break up with different courting time frames. We noted that how long you have been in a relationship and how much you have invested in it in terms of resources (money, time and feelings) plays a key role on how hard the break up will hit you. In an example, 1 participant was in a relationship for 1 week while the other was in a relationship for 7 years. These two people will cope with the break up differently.

“I was in a relationship for 7 years and I had invested so much in it. One day while at work, my relationship ended with a text message. She sent me a text stating that she can’t continue with the relationship, I was confused and became numb.” One participant said

Coping with a relationship break-up can be challenging and can take time. Some of the points shared by the participants during the discussion on how they cope with break ups include, usage of substance and drug abuse, too much of gambling, looking for rebound sex, clubbing and gaming while others would just be alone and crying. It was also pointed out that there’s no right way to cope with breakup or divorce, you just have to have a positive mechanism that doesn’t hurt anyone or yourself.

During the discussion, we also noted that the majority of people in relationships don’t really think about their partners before ending the relationships. One participant stated that his relationship ended with a text message. The person who invests much is the person who gets hurt much.

There are better ways to overcome any type of break up without resulting in harm. During the discussion, we picked a few mechanisms that have worked for different participants. Here are mechanisms that can help you get through a breakup/divorce.

Allow Yourself To Grieve:

It’s always important to acknowledge and accept your emotions, including sadness, anger, and disappointment. At any point during the break up, you should give yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling without judgment. One of the participants agreed that after a short period of crying, she finally moved on and accepted that the relationship was over and it worked for her. You should never feel ashamed of your sadness or grief.

Lean On A Support System:

We all need to have a support system, anyone would love to have someone standing or reassuring them that everything will be okay. It’s okay to reach out to your friends and family for emotional support. They can be a great source of comfort during that difficult time. One participant actually shared how her parents supported her and gave her a leaning shoulder when she was heartbroken. Even your friends can be a good support system. Another participant shared how his friends made jokes about his break up only to find that it was a good mechanism since his friends never judged him and stood by him all through the process.

Take Care Of Yourself:

Self-care is important after a break-up. Make sure you’re eating well, exercising, and getting enough rest. You should engage yourself in activities that make you happy and give you a sense of purpose. One of the participants shared how the break-up messed her up and she stopped doing the things that made her happy such as dancing, singing, cooking among others. At some point, she stopped taking care of herself but once she realized her value, she made an effort to love herself and started doing the things she used to love doing like which really helped her to move on positively.

Practice Mindfulness:

During break up or any point of life, you should always know that you come first. Try to stay present in the moment and focus on your breath. Mindfulness can help you manage your emotions and reduce stress. Majority of the participants agreed that staying present in the moment and not dwelling in the past worrying about the whys and hows the relationship ended really worked for them.

Acceptance: The best way to move forward is accepting your current situation. People also pointed out that accepting the situation is one of the ways people can move forward after a break-up. This has worked for so many people. Acceptance is the first step to healing.

Seek Professional Help:

If you’re struggling to cope with your emotions, consider seeing a counselor. They can provide you with tools and strategies to help you navigate this difficult time. Majority of young people have trust issues, there’s always the fear of being judged or your story being shared everywhere. Talking to a counselor will help you solve this and get you all the help needed.

The points raised by the participants during the discussion however are not professional as they came from personal experience.

Before a relationship comes to its knees, there are signs that things are not working as they used to or signs of being hurt. So many times we tend to ignore these signs and desperately hope that things will fall back in place. The ignored red flags will always come to haunt you in the future. You should always be cautious and keen when it comes to red flags in a relationship. See you on Tuesday!

26Apr, 2023

Teenage Pregnancies = Silent Pandemic?

*Participant during Coffee Bar Tuesday*. Photo: Evans jomo

According to the 2022 Kenya Demographic and Health Survey by the Kenya National Bureau of Statistics (KNBS), teenage pregnancies in Kenya have dropped to 15 percent from 18 percent. This implies that about 2 in every 5 teenage girls between the ages of 15-19 years have either had a live birth or are pregnant with their first child.

This week’s discussion focused on getting to understand what contributes to the high number of teenage pregnancies. With low representation from ladies, it was also a good opportunity for the young men to share what they think contributes to this, their roles and what we can do to address this silent pandemic. This is one of the most engaging topics that we have conducted that touches on something that affects the majority of young girls not only in Mukuru but the whole of Kenya.

With the question of the day being what contributes to these worrying and trending numbers – participants shared some very valid and shocking points on this silent pandemic. Without us understanding the root causes, it shall be hard for different stakeholders to address this and its effects. As a result of different family situations, young poor semi-educated girls have become premature mothers, at the cost of their education and development.

Some of the contributing factors highlighted during the discussion were lack of sexual and reproductive health rights education, lack of good rapport between the teens and their parents, poverty, harmful cultural practices, unavailability and availability of contraceptives, baby fever, peer pressure, adults taking advantage of the teens situation, drug and substance abuse, lack of parental guidance in sexual matters and others feeling that the girls are more informed than the boys creating a disparity.

With Mukuru being a case study, poverty and baby fever were pointed out as the main contributors of teenage pregnancies within the informal settlements. The inability of some parents to provide for their children results in teenage girls sleeping with men to buy food and other necessities for their parents. Another contributor is young women choosing to become mothers at an early age which is nowadays referred to as baby fever– this is a situation where a girl wants a child because someone else has a child – within Mukuru and other places and has been a contributor for a while.

Many studies have stated that teen mothers are less likely to complete high school and they are also much more likely to not complete college. This puts them at a disadvantage when it comes time to find a good paying job translating to the cycle of poverty. Not many of the teen mothers get a chance to live with the fathers of their children leaving the majority of them out there suffering. These children appear from nowhere; the teens are being impregnated by men out there. We cannot call for change if we are not ready to change. Men also have a role to play in addressing this since they are the perpetrators of these teen pregnancies.

During the conversation, sex for water was also a point of reference where women were being exploited sexually for them to get the basic commodity. This is also happening to our girls, where they are being lured into having unprotected sex in order for them to get sanitary towels among other necessities.

There are many ways in which we can curb this menace but the majority of them touch on us playing our different roles accordingly. Being a role model to children and girls around you was one of the ways highlighted during the discussion.

‘You cannot be a drunkard and expect your children to be different from you. You cannot be doing unspeakable things and wait for different results. We must be good role models to our children and build a rapport with our children.” Participant said

For us to curb this silent pandemic and make adolescent girls become responsible adults in the future, it will require all of us to put our efforts from every angle. We are calling for different partners, non-governmental organizations and governments to effectively scale up public sensitization on teenage pregnancies to reduce the consequences. In agreement, we must be our brothers keepers: you cannot be a bystander of someone having sexual relations with a minor. You must report that pedophile.

One participant said “spoil your sister for her not to be spoiled by another man” meaning you should create opportunities for your sister in order to prevent her from seeking somewhere else. In this case, your sister is any girl who is around you, it doesn’t have to be your biological sister. Join us in the next discussion as we discuss the effects of teen pregnancy and its effects on the teens mother, the child, the family, workforce and the economy. See you on Tuesday!

12Apr, 2023

Mental Health And Drug And Substance Abuse

People take drugs for many different reasons but at the end of day they all affect your normal body function. This week’s discussion focused on why people take drugs and how it affects their mental well-being. Our discussion focused on common drugs which are available to residents of Mukuru such as bhang, cocaine, mandrax, tobacco, khat alcohol, chang’aa and other ones known as mawhite and mayellow.

With the majority of the participants being young people, it was noted that the earlier you begin to use drugs, the more vulnerable they become to both short term and long-term harmful effects in both your mental and physical being. Majority of these effects are unnoticeable meaning you can’t notice them in the early stages of consumption. Substance use has been associated with increased risk for a number or outcomes such as impaired peer relationships, addiction, crime, mental illness, increased risk for suicide, hallucinations, high-risk sexual behavior, disorders, HIV/AIDS, disrupted learning, absenteeism, school drop-out among others.

Mental health is critically important to everyone all over the world. However, how you take care of your mental state is different from everyone else. With the majority of people using different ways of coping mechanisms, drug and substance abuse has made their mental state worse resulting in different mental illnesses and disorders. When someone with a mental illness uses drugs, medical practitioners refer to this as ‘dual diagnosis’. Meaning you’re using drugs to treat the disorder.

Mukuru is one place that is known to have easy access to any type of drug. The availability of the drugs has made it easy for young people to consume. With less than 20, you can consume a drug or substance that would make you high. Some people with a mental illness have problems using alcohol. Considering alcohol is legal, many people tend to use it more than any other type of drug. A person’s long-term effects on alcohol are also determined by the amount and frequency of alcohol consumption. The harmful effects of excessive drinking can be severe, both physically and mentally.

We asked young people why they use drugs or any substance and some of the reasons pointed out were stress, peer pressure, curiosity, insomnia, availability of the substance, improving the brain’s functionality, fun and others as a way of life. Although drug use and addiction can happen at any time during a person’s life, adolescents are at higher risks of experiencing the effects of the consumption for long.

It was interesting to find out that there are people who have never taken or consumed any type of drug with them pointing out that the effects of drugs kept them off. Others have lost family members due to drug and substance abuse thus why they can’t engage in consuming any type of drug.

“I was raised in a home where my parents were very strict. There was no way you were allowed to walk with anyone who uses drugs. I remember I was beaten because there were rumors that I was hanging around with someone who was known to use drugs.” Participant said

You never realize your addict till you get to a point you can’t operate without consuming it. It’s probably an addiction and your mental state isn’t normal if you notice a change in your own or another person’s emotions, thoughts or behaviors. Some drugs may temporarily reduce symptoms of mental illness, but they can also make them worse.

Through stories of change, participants who overcame drug and substance abuse were able to share how they overcame the addiction or the urge. With the majority pointing out that the use of drugs was draining them mentally, financially, emotionally and physically.

We call for more collaboration in addressing environments that influence mental health and strengthening the mental health care systems. Young people and everyone must be able to access mental health services. If drug use affects your mental health, don’t be afraid to ask for help. You can reach out to us through our social media platforms. See you on Tuesday!

5Apr, 2023

Who Pays The Bill – Him Or Her?

Paying the bills during dates is always a controversial subject, with people giving different opinions on how to handle it. Some people believe the person who initiated the date conversation should pay; some think this is man’s responsibility and sometimes people dictate who pays based on how the date is going (courting, dating, one night stand or marriage). This week’s #CoffeeBarTuesday focused on who is supposed to pay for the bills during a date in relevance to the rising cases of kukula fare.

Our conversation focused on the power dynamics of a relationship and why there’s a need to have clear information on the objective of the date. Majority of participants felt that paying bills during a date should be a man’s role and should never be on a lady’s back. It was also felt by the majority that chances of getting a lady who can take you out and pay for the bills are very minimal out there.

We have heard of different women being invited to dates and they don’t turn up; this has resulted in women being violated sexually. The person who is invited for the date should be not able to cater for the bills and also the objective of the date also plays a critical role on who pays the bill leaving the benefit of the doubt that women can also pay the bills.

We have also heard of people who have gone on dates and they end up washing utensils. Others have also been taken to dates where they are left to pay for bills unwillingly since the person who was to cater for the bills disappeared. We have also heard dates are kind of a platform to have a “free meal” which at the end creates unwanted profiling and being violated out of this. This is a result of the two not having a clear objective on what’s the end goal of the date.

We also agreed that there are men who believe that a woman should never pay for any bills; their masculinity doesn’t allow.

“Hio nguvu ya kwenda date na dem alafu alipe bill nyi huota wapi? Mimi hakuna siku ntakubali dem alipe bill yenye niko, as a man I should man up and pay the bill.” Participant said

One of the key points that arose during the discussion is there are many people who don’t believe that women should pay for the date bills. This is from the relationship they have been to and the close friends they have. Others felt if your circle doesn’t have any lady who has paid for a date before, then it becomes hard for you to believe a woman can cater for date bills.

The bills start from transport to turn up to the date, the meals and drinks and the transport back. The “kukula fare” slang has been used as a way to profile ladies who are sent transport money but don’t turn up during the date. Out of this kukula fare, men are afraid to invite ladies for dates or they fix them to pay for the date after turning up.

It was also noted that at times some people do suggest where to go for dates but they don’t pay for any bill. For them, they only love going to dates but cannot pay. It may be helpful to talk to him/her about how to pay for dates in a way that’s financially beneficial to both of you if you’re in a relationship.

A couple who are in a serious relationship, don’t have any hustle paying or splitting the bills; they have my money, our money slang. These people will always be comfortable without thinking who caters for the bills. We all agreed that it can be a turn off if you’re on a date and you’re the one who made the plans but cannot be able to pay for bills.

In modern dating, men aren’t expected to pay for every date, women can also pay. If you decide to initiate a date, choose somewhere you are comfortable covering the full bill. At the end of the day, it is up to you two what works well for your relationship. It’s important that you discuss your financial concerns with your partner to prevent any ill feelings about money between you in the future. You can split the bill if both of you insist on paying, especially if you both chose the location. There’s no guidelines on who should pay the bills, if you’re in a position to pay just pay. See you on Tuesday!